Constant
by The Leaf 180
Summary: Everyone had forced themselves to be positive, but there always was the underlying unease that their time could be cut short. Feliciano had been so brave when he had left that morning, the morning was grim and yet they all still found hope. And now he stands before Ludwig bearing bad news and none of his calculations could have predicted this outcome. GerIta Human Au


Maybe Gilbert went to get a beer. Or maybe he's taking a nap. Or maybe he just got sick of his brothers brooding and just went home. Maybe something came up.

And Ludwig know that he came over to try and cheer him up, keep him company, but he's sitting alone in his living room for the past thirty minutes thinking about things he promised he wouldn't and dreading and anxiously shifting and Gilbert's nowhere to be found when he needs him.

And he's waiting. And he's scared.

Because what if this all goes wrong? They've only been wed for four months. That's not a lot of time. That's not enough time at all. Not what he expected, but then again, no one really does.

And he's cleaned the house twice over with Gilbert trying to watch soccer on the couch and he's heard that he needs to relax too many times already, and he wants to relax. He really does.

But his life is tearing apart at the seams and he wants to scream and cry but he can't because he has to be strong for Feliciano. He has to be strong. And he is strong. He's stoic but kind and he could carry in firewood when it gets too cold and he can provide and he _can_ have all the answers. And he can solve this problem and Feliciano won't have to cry anymore and they can be alright again and live their lives together like they were supposed to.

Maybe if he keeps telling himself that, he'll start to believe it.

Where is Gilbert?

He must have vacuumed the carpet three times. He even got down on his knees and scrubbed out that pesky spot of red wine on their white, _white_ carpet. And he remembers how Feliciano laughed when he spilled it because they were both a bit tipsy and Ludwig couldn't even bring himself to be mad because they're eyes were so bright and they were so happy once upon a time.

And he remembers slaving over the carpet for days and he remembers that as he scrubs and watches the last of that small problem fade away. He remembers when that used to be the worst thing that had happened. And he remembers when a spill on the carpet was something to be annoyed about. And he curses the stain and he curses the white carpet and he curses his bad luck in relationships and he curses and curses.

When was Feliciano coming home again?

His house is so big and empty and quiet, where is everyone?

Maybe he should have asked Kiku to stay with him instead.

And now he's sitting alone on a couch fit for two watching a huge television they didn't even need in a room much too big for the two of them. And he sees the life his husband painted on the walls and he sees the tomatoes on the counter and there might be some leftover pasta in the fridge but he's not hungry and Gilbert has probably eaten it already. And he's lonely and sad and he's waiting. And the silence stretches on and where did Gilbert even go?

He wishes he had his dogs with him but they stay with Gilbert now because Feliciano has allergies. And he wishes for good news and he wishes for miracles and frivolous things like health and happiness.

And maybe he could have both at once?

His house is cold and he's alone and tired and sick of waiting. And he wants to call Feli but then he remembers that Gilbert stole his phone because he was making too many calls. And he wants to talk but he doesn't know what to say and his silence says everything.

He becomes faintly aware that the television is still running for background noise and he becomes aware that it's starting to snow outside and he becomes aware that he lives in a house much too big for one man alone. And his walls are spacious and they trap him, suffocate him, loom over and offer no comfort. His couch is too soft and his tables are sturdy and full of nostalgia and fond memories he isn't ready to let go of yet.

And the photo albums are half full because they thought they had all the time in the world to fill them up and maybe they'd look back on them one day together and wouldn't it be nice if things worked out like they had planned them to? He isn't very religious but he still prays that someone up there has mercy because he tries to be a good man. Feliciano drags him to church and he tries to listen and he tries and he tries but all his effort may account to nothing in the end.

They were talking about adopting a cat. But they can't now. They were talking about having a life together and a future. But he doesn't know if that can happen now. He doesn't know what's going to happen next, his life is going to change when Feliciano walks through that door.

He hears the car door slam outside, he listens for something, crying, laughing, anything really. His heart leaps into his throat, and his chest constricts and he can't stop thinking because he'll stay by Feliciano no matter what but he's not ready to let go. He never thought he would have to.

The door opens. His mouth goes dry. And the scariest part is that all his careful calculations cannot unfold fate the way he wants it to.

What is he going to say? He's never been helpful in these situations. It was always Feliciano who knew what to say.

"L-Ludwig."

He belatedly jolts into a standing position, turns hesitantly, searching his husband's face for a sign, something, anything to give him a hint. Feliciano's eyes are wide and red and rimmed with tears and Ludwig's heart drops as he moves to console him.

_Oh, oh no. Oh no no no_

Everyone had forced themselves to be positive, but there always was the underlying unease that their time could be cut short. Feli had been so brave when he had left that morning, the morning was grim and yet they all still found hope. Feliciano shakes his head as his tears begin to fall and he laughs nervously, but it sounds more like a hiccup.

Ludwig's eyes are wide and he can't breathe, he never would have thought that he would be staring at his husband like this and know that they won't be together for much longer. His mind is reeling, stuttering and stalling; he doesn't want to believe it.

_Cancer._ The words sound strange on his lips, they poke the roof of his mouth and its painful to think about but now it's his reality. The words are clunky and a poisonous connotation swirls within and the longer he thinks about it the harder it is to breathe.

"Oh Feli-" He manages to choke out, because he still can't process it.

Feliciano wipes his eyes furiously and attempts to speak again. "I-it's benign." He stammers quietly.

And suddenly the world starts moving again, Ludwig can't find his breath and he needs to sit down or else he's going to pass out. And he can't process this information and he doesn't know what this means or what do say or think and the colors in the room are much too bright and someone's speaking to him but he can't hear because-

_He's okay. He's okay. He's going to be fine we're both going to be fine-_

"Ludwig?" He turns to see Gilbert's confused face at the top of the stairwell and a part of him is glad that he didn't pass out and the other half is wondering where Gilbert has been but he doesn't really care because Feliciano is okay and that's all that matters right now.

"H-he-" Everything is happening too fast and the room is spinning a little and he doesn't remember how to think or breathe and Gilbert must have gotten the wrong message because he bolted down the stairs and is leading Ludwig to the couch and talking about how he'll support them and they'll get through this but Gilbert doesn't understand and Ludwig can't remember how to talk.

He sits down and his mind is still buzzing and spinning and Feli sits next to him and holds his hand and is talking but Ludwig just wants to stare at his face all day. And he belatedly registers Lovino in the room, who drove his brother to the hospital because Gilbert made Ludwig stay home and he probably should say something to the him but everyone is talking too loud all of a sudden and he can't see anything but Feliciano and that's alright, it really is.

Feliciano presses his face in Ludwig's shoulder and he doesn't even care that his shirt is being stained with tears. "I-I was so scared!" He laughs breathlessly and Ludwig doesn't know what to say because there's a lump in his throat but he can't cry with his brother and Lovino in the room.

All he can give is a gentle smile and it is enough.


End file.
